10 Tips for Dating With Depression

Dating can be a challenge when you suffer from depression. That said, meeting a new person can also be a source of joy. These 10 simple tips can help make dating a bit easier.

Finding love

About 18 million Americans suffer from depression and another 20 million worldwide use dating websites each month, according to Online Dating Magazine. Chances are, there are people who will be in both groups.

But dating can be a challenge when you suffer from depression. “Sometimes if you don’t feel like smiling but are in a situation where you’re expected to be happy, that can make you feel even worse,” says Helen Friedman, PhD, a clinical psychologist in private practice in St. Louis.

That said, meeting a new person can also be a source of joy. These 10 simple tips can help make dating a bit easier.

Consider professional help

If you’re depressed, dating can magnify some of your challenges, such as fatigue, irritability, low self-esteem, and reduced libido.

The best way to stay strong? Seek treatment, if you haven’t already.

With greater awareness about depression, the stigma of mental illness has diminished somewhat. Therapy and/or medication use is common and often very successful.

More than 80% of people who seek treatment get relief from symptoms, according to Mental Health America.

Time it right

You need to take good care of yourself before you can take care of someone else in a relationship.

To do this, be sure to engage in positive self-talk, Friedman says. And if you are on medication, take it religiously; be consistent with therapy; surround yourself with a support system of friends and family; and be around upbeat, positive people.

“Don’t push yourself to date if the timing doesn’t feel right,” she says. “Honor yourself. You might need to lick your own wounds first.”

Don’t tell on the first date

You don’t owe it to the person to discuss your depression on a first date, Friedman says.

If things become more serious, however, you should tell your potential partner. Friedman says a good time might be when you decide to see each other exclusively or when you just feel that you care more deeply about each other.

“There are always individual differences,” she says. “Something may come up in a conversation where it would feel like a natural time or that it would be dishonest not to. You might choose that time to share that you have depression.”

How to talk about it

When you feel the time is right, Friedman suggests a three-part “script.”

First, tell your partner that she is important to you, enough so that you have something about yourself to share with her.

Second, don’t just blurt out “I suffer from depression.” Instead, preface it by telling her there’s something you’ve struggled with that’s a fairly common problem, let her know you have been diagnosed with depression and that you’re taking care of yourself by seeking treatment.

And finally, emphasize again that you care about the person and the relationship. This message is as important as telling her that you have depression, says Friedman.

Accept assistance

In addition to surrounding yourself with the support of friends and family, Sheela Raja, PhD, a clinical psychologist and assistant professor at the University of Illinois at Chicago, says it’s important to let potential partners know how they can help you.

For example, if you exercise regularly to help lift your mood, ask your partner to join you. If they will support you in your endeavors, “they could be a real keeper,” she says.

Telling them about the challenges you face or going to couples counseling can also be helpful. Just talking about your relationship and how depression may impact it lets a person know you want him or her to be a part of your life.

Be patient

If your potential partner asks questions or offers advice, recognize the good intent behind the words—even if they aren't that helpful.

For example, men often feel that it’s their job to make their partner happy, says Friedman. Understand his desire to help, but let him know you can’t always put on a happy face.

Some women, on the other hand, expect men to take the initiative to plan dates or activities. This can be hard to do when you are depressed and you have little energy. Let her know you want to be with her, but you may have to keep things low-key.

Low libido

Depression, and some antidepressants, can cause you to lose interest in sex.

If you are having libido problems that are medication related, talk to your doctor about alternatives that might be less likely to dampen your sex drive.

You can also let your partner know that you care in other ways. If you don’t feel like having sex, let the person know you still find him or her attractive by cuddling or being affectionate.

Don’t repeat past dating mistakes

It is important to know your own weaknesses and strengths and understand your dating pitfalls.

If you find yourself falling into a pattern that didn’t work for you in the past (like dating someone who makes you feel bad about yourself), leave the situation, and take some time off or find another companion.

“Therapy might help you to work out any issues you have in order to go forward in your relationships and not repeat past mistakes,” Friedman says.

Online dating

Millions of people turn to the Internet to find romantic partners, but that doesn’t mean it’s not difficult, says Friedman.

"It is easy to get discouraged when dating online," she says. "It takes skill to know how to navigate online dating to find someone special."

There are sites geared specifically for those with mental illness, such as Nolongerlonely.com. Friedman says these types of sites can be a good place to go to, but consider mainstream dating sites as well.

Don’t give up after meeting just one or two people. Discuss the process with friends and family; having a good support system can help.

Acceptance

One thing to remember about dating is that all people have some kind of baggage they bring along for the ride. So don’t be too hard on yourself, says Los Angeles–based therapist Nancy Irwin, PsyD.

“Most people have some issue that they manage—either their weight or acne or a past,” she says.

If the person and the relationship are right for you, depression isn’t likely to be a deal breaker.

Top 10 Dating Tips

Dating Tips and Advice for Singles

Whether you are new to the dating scene, are reentering the dating scene, or are a serial dater, you can use dating tips and advice. No one is a dating expert – even the most beautiful and wealthy people all struggle with matters of the heart. Everyone can learn something about how to date more, how to attract the types of people we want to attract, and how to make sure initial chemistry blooms into an enduring relationship.
The truth is, there are no magic formulas, no fail-proof tricks, no cunning ways of trapping Mr. or Miss Right. There are however some essential facts that you should always bear in mind along the way. Dating tips are just that -- tips, not one-size-fits-all guarantees. Different tacks will work for different people. It depends on the situation, who we are, where we are in our lives, etc. However, there are some threads of advice that are fairly universal and can benefit anyone who practices them:

Top 10 Dating Tips

1. Get prepared for dating. If you really want to succeed in the dating game, be ready to commit to dating. Half-heartedness won't work. In fact, it won’t even get you half-way. If you really want to date, put some effort into it. Do some research and think about what you want out of dating. Prepare yourself for the inevitable rejection we all face at some point in dating and commit not to give up.
2. Get your act together. Begin a regime of looking your best. Join a gym, read health magazines, get fit and start a diet. Get your hair cut or styled and begin a new regime of good grooming or beauty treatment. Though it will not find you a date in itself, you will feel a million times more confident about yourself, and others can sense that.
3. Go shopping and treat yourself to new clothes and even a whole new look. Get your image right, one that you can manage and live with, but one that flatters you. Don't try to be someone you’re not, but amplify and accentuate your positives. Throw out those tired jeans, old sweaters or cardigans and spruce yourself up. Your date will appreciate that you demonstrated some effort.
4. Think about what you want to gain from dating and what timeframes you expect. Do you see yourself married within 2 years? If you do, then approach dating accordingly. If you are more laid back and don't take dating too seriously then ask yourself some honest questions about why you are dating and what you hope to achieve. If it is purely sex then ask yourself if you are about to be honest with those you hope to date.
5. Surround yourself with people who will support your dating aims. By following the first four tips you will feel better and be more focused. Don’t sabotage this by sitting around with friends who are negative about love and relationships (often the married ones). Start attending social functions frequented by singles. Sitting alongside couples at dinner parties in suburbia is not necessarily where you need to be right now.
6. Choose those you have a good chance of dating. Be realistic. In other words, your dating is based on the whole package you present as well as just your personality. If you are looking for a glamour girl or boy and want to date someone trendy and gorgeous, great! Just know that others will expect you to be the same.
7. Join clubs, societies, sports events, drama groups -- anything that might help you meet like-minded potential partners. You will not meet people by staying indoors and playing video games – many have tried and failed at this approach.
8. Take time off from dating occasionally if it’s not going well or causing dating fatigue. Recharging your batteries and keeping confidence and optimism levels high is an absolute must. We all hit rough patches, but don’t let your search for love become a death march. Date in phases if necessary.
9. Enjoy dating for what it is, dating. It is meeting people and socializing and spending time in the company of stimulating individuals who may or may not play a bigger part in your life down the road. The fact is, most people have something interesting to offer. While you may not be out on the dating scene looking for new friends, you may well find one or two fabulous people along the way.
10. Never make yourself too available. People like mystery and enigma and the thrill of the chase when dating. As part of keeping up the mystery, do not sleep with your dates early on. The longer a person is made to chase and fall for you within reason, the more likely that love may blossom. (And yes, this goes for both men AND women!) If the chemistry peaks too early, your emotions may never have time to catch up and the relationship will eventually wither away.